how do flat chested girls get laid?
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
