Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
