What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Say something about gay babies.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
