If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
