sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
He did a backflip because drugs
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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