The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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