I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
