i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Randomize
