Ambien. No doubt about it.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
