she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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