I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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