just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
