cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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