I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
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