So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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