thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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