apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
