Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
