Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
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