i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
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