Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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