theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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