I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
