Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Randomize
