If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
