If i come over, it means nothing
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
