You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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