Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
