When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Is it possible for Craig Seger to wear a normal suit and not look like an asshole on national tv?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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