I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
