I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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