Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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