there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
