I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
