I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
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