That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
