I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
