There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
being pregnant is like rehab
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Randomize
