i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
It was like getting head from an anaconda
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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