i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
