I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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