god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
