you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
