How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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