Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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