I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
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