I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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