It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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