Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
i just uploaded pictures of my nephew, and you & d puking in the same toilet. i think i should keep them in the same album. show my nephew what he has to look forward to.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
