Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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