i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
